Pulling Through the Thread on Being

#becomingyourself

Sallam, Peace & Blessings -

Pulling from last weeks post, Being vs Doing I thought I’d string my thoughts through.

So…Some of you might be wondering: What does this “being” even feel like?

Trust me, I’ve been there, too. I had a million questions about it when I first started unpacking this concept.

I came from a hustle culture where value came from doing. More work, more responsibilities—even the ones that weren’t mine to carry. I took them on anyway because I thought that’s what “responsible” people did. That’s what “good” people did. And honestly? Deep down, I hoped someone would notice. I hoped for validation, for a pat on the back to prove I was enough.

It was the external validation that I was looking for. So, I was so focused on doing things so others could feel my effort and actually I gave them permission to be themselves — while I did everything for them.

What I needed was internal validation, self validation, and self acknowledgement.

The truth? I didn’t know how to validate myself. I didn’t know how to acknowledge my worth. I thought doing so would make me arrogant. And I’m not that kind of person.

When Doing Becomes Your Identity

Here’s the thing: I tried to model myself after Khadijah (RA). I thought, She did everything, so I can too. And I did—raising kids, cooking from scratch, traveling for work, being a top performer at the office. I was proud to be the “rainmaker” and the “velvet hammer”—bringing in results with kindness and persistence.

But there came a point where I had to stop and ask: Is this my legacy?
Is being the “rainmaker” for someone else’s dunya goals enough?

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

The Wake-Up Call

I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to “be.” That urge to shift started slowly. I felt it in my heart—a quiet whisper saying, This isn’t it. There’s something more.

It started small. I made a vision board. It wasn’t amazing, but it cracked open a door. Then, I shared it with a trusted friend, and we took turns dreaming out loud. But let’s be honest—we were both too scared to jump into the fire of real change.

Then life hit.

At work, I got comments like:

• “You’re so happy it’s annoying.”

• “You’ll never succeed at this project.”

• “Do you even know why you’re here?”

Oof.

The final push came when a CEO I deeply respected screamed at me for being “cringeworthy.” On paper, I was their top performer—rated AA+ and everything. But in that moment, I realized I was living for evaluations, for praise, for metrics that didn’t even matter to me.

That was my bonfire moment.

I couldn’t keep living like that. I couldn’t keep being someone who relied on external validation to feel worthy.

The Messy Path to Being

Let me tell you, the process of “being” isn’t cute or aesthetic. It’s messy. It’s full of tears, negative thoughts, and feeling like you’re crawling uphill.

But here’s the thing—it’s also transformational.

It’s about deciding who you want to be. Not what you want to do. Not what you want to achieve. But who you want to become at your core.

When you focus on that, your actions naturally follow. You start doing the things that align with that person, and through those actions, you’ll have the results that truly matter to you.

But let me be real: doing this alone? Excruciating. I tried. I don’t recommend it. Get a coach, a mentor, or someone you trust who can help you navigate this. Make sure they share your values and are committed to their own growth, too.

Your Turn

Before this Gregorian year ends, take a moment. Close your eyes. Envision the person you want to be—not the titles, not the achievements, but you.

Write it down. Share it with someone who gets you. And if you need support? Chat me up here or on IG @gemihartojo.

You don’t have to go through the fire alone.

With love, dua, and a little bit of “velvet hammer” energy.

PS: Becoming isn’t about sitting back and letting life happen. It’s about stepping into who you were always meant to be—with intention, with Allah’s guidance, and with a whole lot of trust in your own journey. Let’s do this together. 💛

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DM me on IG here @gemihartojo